sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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