After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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