Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
