I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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