I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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