I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
