he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
