Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
