a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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