Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
