Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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