Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
