i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
