When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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