I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize