Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
