I think i peed on brittanys purse
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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