I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
