I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
