You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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