He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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