Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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