I wanna passion pit in your ass
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
