I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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