Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
