woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
