Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
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These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
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Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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