we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
