I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
