also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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