what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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