I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
