My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
