like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
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A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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