If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just puked most of my soul out..
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
