nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
