The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
