last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
