Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
