so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My pussy is not your playground.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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