A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
