My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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