Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
