You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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