nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
