Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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