You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
