how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
