How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
