I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
