you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
