sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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