Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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