here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
