It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
