This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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