he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
